An Open Letter to My New Friend Who is Moving Away

First published on The Belladonna Comedy‘s site. (Check them out, they’re amazing.)


Hey New Friend,

We may have just met at the farmer’s market two days ago, but I was exceedingly excited that you asked me, as well as 493 of your closest friends, via Facebook to help lug your items out of your apartment. This is a sure sign that we’re going to be in each other’s lives forever!


Not pictured: 5 goats, 3 chickens, a miniature horse, and all your Facebook friends.

I am overjoyed that you scavenged through the thousands of other Hannah Johnson’s to find me on Facebook and ask me this favor, but broken hearted to hear you’re moving away from your big city apartment to live the dream of any farmer’s market goer: the tiny-barn life.

Quite frankly, I was shocked when only 7 people showed up to help you lug your stuff on foot to your tiny home parked only a mile away. Why would anyone not want to help you?! Especially after you mentioned that a whole tub of BBQ sauce from the farmer’s market would be our reward for helping, I knew it was meant to be. Sometimes I bathe in antique barrels full of that sweet, sweet farmer’s market BBQ sauce.

Instant friendship like this one isn’t like those disgusting instant mashed potatoes you can buy at the store. It’s more like the slow-grown Amish potatoes stored in Amish furniture to ensure its authentic flavor.

Your best friend instincts knew that I needed to meet people because I was as single as a piece of unpicked organic arugula, wilting all alone in the sun. Then there you were — asking to borrow three dollars for parking! You would never let a single ounce of arugula be left alone. You’d cuddle it and tell it everything was okay, because it’s so misunderstood. Just like me.


Heading towards the heavenly farmer’s market light.

When I climbed up to your tiny barn loft bed area to bring in your kale-filled bed, our friendship grew even further than I thought it ever would because you knew exactly the temperature I like: splendidly sauna-like. I finally felt at peace, like the wonderfully humid temperature was taking my soul away from my body. I even got a glimpse of farmer’s market heaven.

It was amazing and I never wanted it to end. One day, I know we both will go to farmer’s market heaven. We will sweat organic BBQ sauce all day in our tiny barn sauna and then can sell them at the mega-super-ultimate-fresh-EXTRAVAGANZA farmer’s market.

All our dreams will finally come true.

Your friend forever,


An Open Letter to the Self-Checkout Rock Star

Dear Self-Checkout Lane Rock Star,

This was one once-in-a-lifetime opportunity I could not miss. Front row seats to watch a self-checkout rock star? Umm… YES PLEASE. The way you searched for three minutes to find a bar code to scan on an item was intense. It had me at the edge of my seat, cheering you on, because I never knew how long it would take for you to find the next bar code!

I’ve been behind some dreadfully robotic people in the self-checkout lane before, so I wholeheartedly admire that you were not afraid to show your true colors and shout at the machine for not scanning your baguettes properly! It didn’t matter that I had to go home and cook dinner for my family of five. This was worth it! It’s not every day you get to watch a master in action.

When you shoved massive watermelons into my hands and shouted at me to read the number on them, I nearly died out of excitement. I was star struck. You saw me…! I almost asked for a selfie, but I chickened out.

Honestly, watching you scan your items as fast as it took to restock the whole store was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I can’t believe you allowed me to observe your rugged rock star-esque way of life. I still have to pinch myself when I think of the pure bliss I got from touching your already opened talcum powder!! It’s so much more exciting than my boring, almost curdled milk.

When you were finished scanning your items, it was time for the grand finale. I had always assumed that paying in pennies wasn’t the preferred method of payment. However, you completely changed my mind. It is such a better, more intimate experience of paying. It’s like switching from CD’s to vinyls. You can never go back. The way you carefully placed every penny in the machine assured me I was making poor life decisions and I promptly went to the bank to get rolls of pennies for my next grocery store visit.

Seeing you leave the store always brings tears to my eyes. I don’t want it to end. All I want to do is to soak up the experience like those sponges that soaked up the leaking TV dinners I bought. All I really want to do is to spend another hour, watching you!

I hope to be behind you again someday soon. Maybe then I’ll muster up the courage to ask you for a selfie and give you this note I wrote for you… I adore the Sundays I run into you at the self-checkout lane.



How the Nintendo Switch Can Help a Zelda Adventurer Out

You’ve played Zelda before, but how can you be more adventurous? By playing Zelda on the Nintendo Switch, anywhere you want, of course! The options are limitless. Here are some ways you can utilize your Nintendo Switch to its fullest potential so you can finally fully channel your inner-Link:

  • Portably sneak around guards on your game and in real life at the same time!
  • Go camping in the woods and play games, enabling you to ignore that constant yammering of an odd owl.
  • Fly around in a hot air balloon, with your best friend you’ve renamed Tingle.
  • Finally solve all your quarrels with your mortal enemy you’ve nicknamed Ganon, by using the brand new 1, 2 Switch game.
  • Go into your nearest mask shop and start playing. Maybe you’ll get lucky and get cursed!
  • Hide out and play in a tree from your friend who always whispers “hey, listen!” into your ear every five seconds while you’re trying to play The Breath of the Wild.
  • Hide out underground with your Switch in the last days before an apocalypse. At least you’ll have fun before the world explodes from the rapidly approaching moon.

Happy gaming!